


(when she started) feeling

by packrat



Series: ke one parters [10]
Category: Killing Eve (TV 2018)
Genre: Angst?, F/F, Gen, emotions 🤢, indirect mentions of eve, its something I’d had sitting in my drafts for weeks, nothing anyone asked for but here’s your dinner kids, v is contemplating when she got feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:52:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 586
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25980124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/packrat/pseuds/packrat
Summary: villanelle asking herself when she started feeling these things called emotions
Relationships: Eve Polastri/Villanelle | Oksana Astankova
Series: ke one parters [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1712638
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	(when she started) feeling

You’re not sure when it really happened. Or rather when it _started_ to happen. When you started to feel more than boredom. 

You’re sure it must’ve happened sometime between Rome and taking your mother’s life. Between shooting one person with the intention of killing them and killing another person for sure.

Maybe it started earlier than that. 

When you’ve met her in the bathroom maybe, when you weren’t daring to look at her directly and looked at her only through the mirror. It sure had been a day that had changed your life but did it really start when you met her for the first time? 

Or was it later? 

Between your self invitation to dinner at her house and Paris, between Paris and Forest of Dean, between Forest of Dean and Rome? 

You can’t pinpoint it exactly but you know it had everything to do with her. Like you’ve dared to eat from the Tree of Knowledge and the secrets of the universe were disclosed to you. And all there was left was her. As if she’s the center of the universe, cause and solution to all of your problems. 

Before her, everything had felt kind of very mute. Emotions, when you did feel them bubbling up, felt mute. 

Distant. 

Like you were experiencing them through thick cotton clouds. 

And after her, after meeting her, everything got dialed up to the maximum. Suddenly everything around you was so loud and so strong and it’s like she got you out of your cocoon of cotton. And it felt like you could breathe, finally, but like you were drowning at the very same time. Like breathing honey because everything felt sweet and suffocating at the same time. 

And touches had been nothing but that and then they’d been tiny fires, each fingertip searing themselves into your skin. And you had to swallow because it had been so overwhelming. 

Everything feels so overwhelming and out of your control.

It was the first time you can remember your heart beating right outside of your chest. 

More than anything you’re confused, you think. Yes. You don’t understand it and it makes your thoughts go all over the place when you’re trying to explain it to yourself.

Confusion is what that is. 

You don’t like not understanding. Because it means you’re not in control of the situation or your emotions, yourself. And there’s nothing scarier than not being in control of yourself. Than being your own autonomous person. 

There’s nights when you think about all of this for hours, until the sun goes up and you groan because you don’t get to sleep. And there’s nights when you don’t think about it at all. When you manage to shut down your mind and everything quiets down. Those nights are usually spent with her in your or you in her bed. You still don’t understand but her steady breathing lulls you to sleep before you know it. 

She has so much control over you. And it scares you. Because she’s also the only person who could and would hurt you. 

You’re feeling a lot tonight. And you cry. Which had also been new. Crying when you don’t want to and can’t stop when you want to. Yet another thing you’re not in control of anymore. 

It’s all scaring you. But you could never tell her. No. You don’t get scared.

So you feel. Alone, even when she is sleeping right next to you. You guess you just have to learn to cope.


End file.
